UNTANGLING PERFECTIONISTIC WAYS: FROM RIGIDITY TO CLARITY & EASE

Marion Giddy - 13 January 2021

2021 has arrived amidst a variety of expectations. We may hope it is better than the chaos of 2020, we might expect it might not be. 

As we reflect on the year gone, move out of holiday mode and set intentions for the year forward, there is often a focus on progression, forward movement, feeling successful, after a year where so many plans went unfulfilled.

This achievement drive which to we’re conditioned can leave us feeling unsatisfied, unfulfilled, as if there is always somewhere better to be. This motivation then fuels us as we set goals to get ‘there’, even while knowing that upon reaching these goals they are instantly fleeting, and new ones must take their place.

Renowned author Simon Sinek’s book ‘The Infinite Game’ references the capacity to move away from competitive, win-lose scenarios, within business and life, rather embracing the infinite process of playing the game, for the enjoyment of the game. This idea of playing in order to continue to play, rather than competing can bring this drive for achievement into a different perspective because as life would have it, with our acceptance or not, the game goes on.

Many of us may feel like we need to achieve, to win, and also in doing that, that we need to do it perfectly or be ‘good enough’.  This perfectionist achievement drive can keep us on a never ending search for ‘next’, where celebrating the moment, and enjoying the process in the moment is brushed aside in favour of idealising the moment when things will be easier, better, or more successful.

This mindset will tell you you are ‘not going to get there’, you ‘should be trying harder’, and can only be based on a belief that you are not ‘there’.  The perfectionist is a cruel master, much like an exponential curve, it never actually gets to zero, as you can never be ‘there’ when you are ‘here’, and with every step forward the goal posts also shift .

There is actually no ‘where’ to be, you are already there

You are already exactly where you need to be

There is no where to get to

Only right where you are

You cannot possibly be anywhere else

For many of us, the coaching clients I work with, and the early career professionals in business, this drive to be better pushes them to reject where they are.  There can be a denial of the stage of learning and growth that one is at, personally, professionally, relationally, as the current phase gets overshadowed by the perceived ‘glory’ of what would be if they were further along the path they see for themselves.  This extends then into a force of ‘try harder’, ‘work harder’ whilst ignoring learnings and discounting the moments that are currently being experienced.

However, it’s clear that this step you are in is required for the next. You cannot get to the next step, without first fully being where you are right now.  

Try for a minute taking a second step, without taking the first step.  Notice how instantly you are stuck, unable to move.

Let’s apply this in relation to a learning process, and as we do, think of something recently that has frustrated you, that you wish you were better at, or knew more about, or had achieved already..

1 You don’t know that there is something you don’t know about (Unaware)

2 You get conceptual knowledge that something exists (Aware/Knowing Of)

3 You want to know more, but it’s not clear or easy yet. (Confusion) 

4 Through exposure & consolidation now the pieces make sense and can be applied more readily to new situations. (Clarity & Ease) 

5 Now after further repetition that thing is now automatic. It can now become a vehicle or a foundation stone for the next stage, step, or concept.  (Embodiment)

Notice how even with the final ‘step’ embodiment, it becomes a foundation for further learning.  For example, you may apply this learning to learning to drive a car.  But learning to drive is never about achieving the ability to drive, learning to drive simply allows you to then use your driving to do new things. It opens the door to places you haven’t been. It is the first step towards independent movement within your community, which allows for new opportunities for growth, learning, connection etc.

The final step is also the first step.  So no matter where you are along this process, the process is infinite.

Gratitude practices work because they encourage us to ‘count’ the moment. To appreciate and enjoy what is working, what has been done, rather than a focus on what is lacking, in the moment, or perceived to be lacking within ourselves.

Linking gratitude with the concept of the infinite process we can embrace that where we are is exactly what is needed, appreciation of the wholeness of the moment we are in, whilst also recognising the opportunity that lies within it.  

Comparison and rivalrous behavior simply doesn’t make sense in this framework.  Competitiveness either with others, or within one's own self.

None is better, higher, or further.

As one moves up the stages or steps of growth, what increases is complexity and capacity, but not necessarily inherent value or worth of being at any stage.

It would be crazy for example for an atom trying to compete with being ‘better than’ a body’s organ.  Or that learning algebra is worth more than learning addition. They are simply different degrees of complexity, the more complex can’t exist without the parts that form it, and both the whole and each of the parts are complete as they are.   

In terms of learning or growth for example, any ‘stage 3’ cannot exist without stages 1 and stage 2.  Becoming someone who has a decade of experience in any career is only meaningful in the face of having experienced all the fullness of the moments within the previous 9 years.

As we apply that principle to the goal setting period, this start of the year time where we’re filled with intention and outcomes. We can stop to notice what is here, right now, in this moment. As it is exactly what is needed, and we cannot possibly be requiring anything other than what we are learning at the moment. 

Then with the fullness of experiencing today, now, with acceptance as we are, we can step into tomorrow and be there, then.