THE GIFT OF RESPONSIBILITY

Marion Giddy - 16 December 2020

Recently in almost all of my one on one coaching sessions, two themes are circling around for many of the humans I’m working with; self care & family dynamics. Both often engage a concept in NeuroLinguistic Programming known as the Responsibility Line, which we explore below.  

This time of year the responsibility line really comes into play as we navigate the end of year wrap up, additional family activities, extra space, winding down, gearing up, letting go of 2020 and stepping into 2021. It can be a dynamic and fluid time, with different demands, particularly in the area of relationships and communication.

Firsty, for many at this point, self care, and the sometimes desperate need for a break, or holiday is sought. After such a dynamic year, many people are finding themselves in the position of not having had a break, or taken a holiday all year, and as such feelings of burnout and end of year stress seem to be high. A desire to find some spaciousness, reduce demands of work and recuperate after the year.

Secondly, enter in: family dynamics. The busy-ness of this end of year time, meshing in with family dynamics, and the relationships between those we are closest to, offer up increased opportunities to notice, and practice self agency, within the four powers of responsibility.

If these four powers are new to you, check out a video here that was recorded earlier this year. More on these four powers...

We may think the busy-ness and demands are external but they’re actually internal. The crowdedness on the outside reflects the internal space & the habitual ways in which we react to others and events.  

Seeking to do more, control or fix others or situations, manage the emotions of others; all relate to attempting to be responsible for things that are outside of our agency of control.

It’s possible to find the spaciousness we’re seeking in our inner world, as we notice and let go of these aspects of expectation and control, which can then allow for more response time and greater ease in navigating what any situations require.

In short, response-ability, and our four powers, speaks to our capacity to take ownership over responses in four areas:

How we think

What we feel

What we say

How we act

And let go of the compulsive need to attempt to control:

What others think

What others feel

What others say

What others do

Our habits in these areas form our capacity to relate to ourselves, and others. They form the pathways of behaviour that reoccur over and over, often without any clear understanding why.

The extent to which we are responsible for our internal states and therefore our own words & behaviour equals our capacity for self care.  

There is a temptation to hand this power over to ‘out there’, in a holiday, in a new environment, in less ‘demands’, with the idea that if we can create more harmony in the external environment, less pressure, or less stress, then we will receive the internal ‘break’ we are after. 

Thereby we connect our internal experience, with the external environment.  As such, allowing our capacity to come from a thriving place in life be dependent upon external conditions being suitable. We let go of our own agency, allowing external situations to toss us to and fro, in emotions or actions.

We crave the change of a holiday, and then we resist coming ‘back to normal’. When what we really want a break from is ourselves, and some space from mental chatter. The voice in mind or tension in body that creates resistance to others and tells us a story of expectations that then drives how we act. Hence, to be true to oneself about our capacity and make the necessary decisions and arrangements to set up our external world is half the job. How we respond to the rest from there on in is the other half.  

Is it available for us, out of the chaos of 2020, to see the opportunity of this transition, of the ending of this cycle, and not settle back into this normal?

In our most recent YES& Digital Event 2020 Edition, Dr Gillian Ross commented that ‘Chaos was really a call to inner work’.  At this point in the year, as we head into more space in the schedules, more time in relationships, and increased connection with friends and family, can this call to inner work be heard?

To begin to notice for ourselves, the habitual ways of reacting that actually are the source of the internal clutter that we seek to escape. To begin the practices of self work, engage a coach, start a sitting practice, or simply step into developing some more useful external habits.

To see how our responsibility line is either engaged, or overstepped, in the things we say yes to, and the things we don’t say no to.  Both in relationship with ourselves, and in relating with others & our environments & communities.

As this annual cycle ends, can we use it as a practice to notice... notice some of our habits and how they may be playing out in these familiar themes and relationships .... 

The self care being sought lies within the four powers that can already be gifted to ourselves.