NAVIGATING THE DEPTHS OF EMOTION

A Journey through Shame, Curiosity, and Liberation

Sara de Clercq - 5 December 2023

As humans we all get to explore various emotions in life, emotions that differ moment by moment, day by day, and then emotions that can linger around a little bit longer.

This depends on the depth of the emotion, the contexts and situations we are in, our ability to make some sense of these emotions and create logical clarity around what we are experiencing, our capacity to be with and feel various emotions and our human interactions and support from those around us to process and explore these emotions in open, curious ways where we are seen and heard in the depth of what is here.

To clarify, emotions are simply energy in motion. E-motion, Energy in Motion.

Nothing more nothing less. However, our human mind, with memory and associations, gives these E-motions a label.
Labels such as anger, fear, guilt, happiness, sadness, excitement, anxious etc etc.

In this blog, therefore, we are talking about the experience of the human mind in relation to these energies in motion.

Some of the most difficult emotions to sit with, and come to accept and embrace for any human are Shame, Guilt and Fear.

In society these emotions are not often talked about. We either deny, avoid or suppress these emotions. Or on the other end of the spectrum we overly dramatize and cling to these emotions. Both are forms of not actually processing, embracing and being with what is here.

More often than not, it is difficult for individuals to ‘admit’ that emotions such as shame, guilt & fear are alive in their emotional system.

There must be something wrong right?

Well, no not really, this is actually really healthy.

And so let’s explore shame and the difference between healthy well-placed shame and distorted forms of shame.

In our monthly Coaching Circles, an intimate cluster of humans coming together, we explore topics such as these openly.
We create opportunities to explore our human experience and how to make sense, feel and relate to the diversity of being human & living life in this increasingly complex world. We engage in profound discussions, delving into the intricate web of emotions, with a particular focus on shame and its complexities this time around. Led by Dan and myself, the conversation touched upon personal experiences, the cultural context & construct of shame, and the liberating power of curiosity. 

An enlightening dialogue indeed.

We explored the idea that shame is often linked to a fear of judgment from others, and how this can lead to a spiral of negative emotions. When we say we are afraid of judgment from others, what we are really afraid of is to feel ashamed, and feeling an inner judgment upon ourselves. Which is the break from our true essence. There can for example be assumptions that others don’t experience these emotions, or that they won’t accept us if we share our experience of these emotions, or that there is something wrong with me or them if these emotions are experienced.

As Brené Brown puts it very beautifully, shame can be understood as the fear of disconnection.

Well, to throw it right in the open for you, what we have come to witness in our years of working with humans on an intimate level, is that these emotions are very alive in every human, with no exceptions, including for us facilitators. And that more spaces for open conversations about these emotions create a deep sense of reverence, honesty, openness, joy, gratitude and true connection. 

Which is what we are ultimately all here for. A sense of true belonging and connection.
And as a society, especially in the West, we’ve got some Growing Up to do on this front.

Whilst also acknowledging that the very need for belonging and connection is pre-supposes it’s not already here.
Which on an absolute level is not true, you’re already fully connected, because you could not possibly be separate.

Which is pretty much the whole dilemma of the self-structure (I-dentity/Ego).

AND on a relative, more interpersonal level, we can learn to be more open & true to one another.
For me, this is an ongoing exploration. I like to approach this topic with a sense of playfulness and lightness and simultaneously in full integrity and truth to what is arising.

When I say: “we can learn to be more open & true to one another”… what this really means is: We can start to see through our mechanisms, strategies and coping strategies to avoid openness and truth.

So what we are exploring here, is:
In what situation do I sense contraction? this can be felt in the body, which part of the body?
Where am I seeing myself as separate?
Where do I have the sense that I need to perform, prove, improve, show up, be different in some way shape, or form than what is true for me in that moment?
Where am I judging someone and not speaking openly my opinion?
Where am I saying YES, what I actually want to say is NO?
Where am I saying NO, whilst I actually want is YES?
Do I feel safe to be seen in my imperfections and humannes?
IN which contexts do I get defensive?
In which contexts do I feel rejected?
Where do I feel I can’t relax in this social context?
Where do I feel I can’t relax in solitude?
Where am I out of my own integrity to fit in?
Where am I looking for reassurance outside of myself?

The above are some inquiry questions to ponder upon.
Healthy discernment must come in here, a good amount of self responsibility for the above questions is absolutely necessary for healthy sense of responsibility, whilst also recognising that, within interpersonal dynamics there are elements outside of your zone of influence. This means a healthy sense of internal and external locus of control - I might write another blog on that topic.


Shame as a Cultural Construct

Shame is placed in the context of human interactions and culture. For example, in some cultures there is a great deal of shame around a particular topic, way of being, way of sharing, way of showing up whilst in other cultures this particular topic isn’t associated with shame. Shame is therefore a cultural construct.

This also tells us that shame is a purely human experience.
A tree doesn’t experience shame.
And so in a way, we are constructing our own narratives of shame in relation to what seem to be “others”.

And so there is a level of responsibility and discernment that needs to come alive in every human to explore in which context is this shame healthy and in which context is it actually not. 

Checking in with ourselves “ok, so this shame is actually made up in my mind, am I creating a sense of shame here for myself that is actually out of place?”. And so, in our conversation as a group, we explored the intricacies of shame and embarrassment, highlighting the difficulty of confronting shame within oneself and the impact of cultural factors.

We identified as a group that the role of emotions such as shame, guilt, and fear in human interactions are useful & healthy responses to harmful actions. If we harm another human (or other being) in the form of emotional, mental or physical harm, and we experience shame or guilt, we could considered this “healthy”.
This is incredibly complex, given the idea of ‘harm’ is different from human to human and from situation to situation.
And so, what is harmful and not is mainly established to the interpersonal agreement of the relationship, family, group, team, country etc.

In truth, there is no harm, as there is nothing outside of you that can be harmful,
and so you cannot be harmed and you cannot harm another.

There is only purity

There is only perfection

There is only goodness

And yet we see so much of it.. right?
Again it depends where we are looking from. Can we see that imperfection in the totality of perfection?

And so let’s emphasize the need for discernment and appropriate responses here.
*Note: discernment is very different than judgment.

We also identified that outside of the above-mentioned example of doing harm - mentally, emotionally or physically, any other form of shame is pretty much placed out of context. That is to say, we are not responding to the moment at hand and we are creating our own internal cultural and conditioned reactions towards shame.

An example that is a very hot topic these days is topics like veganism and climate change. We tend to use shame, fear and guilt to come up with solutions. For example, there is cultural shaming happening at the moment all over the world if one chooses to eat meat or fly to a different country. Or the other way around when one chooses to eat a plant-based diet, and the amount of judgment and shaming that can be placed there.

And so you see how we use shame & judgment as a way to control one another.
And also as an unconscious way to make us feel safe within the world.
From my perspective, this is missing the point of actually taking personal responsibility and useful powerful action to resolve some of the dynamics we are facing on a global scale in terms of climate change, racism, AI and you name it.
And also it’s all perfectly a part of the show.
Holding both, for me, feels important.

And so a useful question to ask ourselves is “Is this experience of shame appropriate to the context and stimulus at hand? or is it out of context and ‘misplaced’ in a way?” and “Is this experience of shame a way of me not feeling subjectively safe, whilst objectively I am completely safe?”. When these emotions are misplaced or persist long-term it limit our ability to connect and relate with truth, openness & love.

And so for example if we don’t feel like we can ‘admit’ and talk about our emotions such as shame, guilt or fear we experience a level of shame around emotions such as shame, guilt and/or fear… whuutt?

Now it gets complex, and now we place it out of context…


How do we embrace shame when it does arise?

We see the importance and responsibility of acknowledging emotions and identifying their physical manifestations for understanding deeper-rooted beliefs. This looks like genuinely feeling the shame that is arising - ideally in the context of where the shame occurred in the first place.

There is an emphasis here on not trying to "let go" of emotions but rather, allowing them to be seen and felt.
There is a big misunderstanding towards emotions, particularly the more difficult sensations.
We tend to want to ‘let go’ of them.

We suggest a radically different approach. Instead of ‘letting go’ see what happens when you ‘welcome them in’.
Allow yourself to see and to feel the shame. A warm warm welcome to these feelings. 

To all of them. 

They are all here to show us something.

As a result of this welcoming in, there will be a letting go, but it will be out of its own accord and not your seeming attempt.

Permission and Liberation

In our Coaching Circle call, we collectively addressed the taboo surrounding shame and recognized the benefits of open conversations. Open conversations in our direct circles, at work, in the family context, and in friendships in our community, can resolve these feelings of taboo (which is a shame about the shame) and can have the potential ripple effect of permission and acceptance for others to share their experiences as well.

Can you imagine the liberation and authenticity that becomes available when sharing these emotions? 

So can we, individually and collectively, invite a sense of curiosity for this human experience?
A sense of curiosity for the shame we might experience from time to time?
A sense of curiosity & compassion for those around us and their experiences?
A sense of curiosity about our own internal landscape and the beautiful unique landscape of that of others?

Can we come to recognize that shame, fear and guilt are a part of being human and can we come to recognize that healing happens when we share these experiences openly and freely?

Can we explore and see this life to be a transformative exploration, fostering understanding and acceptance of the complexities within ourselves and others?

This is an invitation to true living.

Conscious Living.

Which IS liberation.

If you are curious to understand yourself more, work with a practitioner 1.1 to explore the depth of your being.